Yeah...
WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS OUT OF TOWN.
I mean, he knew about it, but jeez...I might deserve a medal. He even offered to stay and I was all "no honey, I can do it".
They put me on a 10-pound lifting limit, so my 23-pound Gracie spent the week in her crib. I took her food and milk. And books. She loves books. JUST KIDDING! My mom and sister came over to help, so my child and I were both cared for. I took the week off work. The whole week. In the end, I'm glad I did. I originally was going to take off Tuesday and Wednesday and possibly/probably Thursday. Jacob came back Friday and on the phone Thursday night he was like a puppy dog begging "pleeeeeeease take off tomorrow night!" and since I am a total pushover I did (truth be told, I didn't feel 100% on Thursday anyway). Then, I didn't see the point in going back for ONE STINKING DAY so I took off Saturday too.
Here is what I learned from my surgery: don't wear contacts or a tampon to surgery. I wasn't allowed to wear my contacts, which they didn't tell me beforehand. So I was totally prepared for that. Riiiight. I ended up putting my contacts in a urine specimen cup. No lie. I was also told that I was required to take a pregnancy test, and I was all "oh, I'm not pregnant. I'm on my period." after which nurse A said "we're still required to do the test," and nurse B said "you're not wearing a tampon are you?" after which I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO. But I have this horrible moral conscience and I am flipping honest so I said yes. Then she broke the news to me: "You'll have to take it out." ...okay...so what do I do, do you guys supply me with underwear or do I wear my underwear or what? Nurse C: "No. You just stick a pad between your legs." I'm telling you, these nurses know how to throw a party. I'm sure they're a lot of fun on the weekends. The only bright side to that is that I was completely sedated for the surgery. I have zero memory of anyone looking down there and seeing a pad just hanging out sans underwear AND I also have no idea who all knows I was on my period and who doesn't. Other than nurse A, B, and C, that is.
My anesthesiologist (anytime I need to type that in the future I'm going to put ASO so I don't have to type a word that long again, ok?) was the same guy who did my epidural. He walked up and since I was completely blind because I HAD TO PUT MY CONTACTS IN A URINE SPECIMEN CUP I said, "Who's that?" And nurse A said "Bob, your ASO." (She did not say ASO, she actually said the word that I am using the abbreviation "ASO" for. Just to be clear.) And here's how it played out:
Me: BOB! You gave me my epidural.
Bob: Oh? That's nice... (totally doesn't care)
Me: AND THEN you brought me peanut butter chocolate cookies in the hospital the next day.
Bob: Oh I did? Huh... (slightly interested)
Me: Because I had my baby on Christmas Eve. You brought us cookies on Christmas Day.
Bob: Hmm...I wonder what I was doing around then... (interest is piqued)
Me: You were trying to get out of going to church.
Everyone: *pointing and laughing at Bob because he just got called out by a blind girl with a bum gall bladder who is on her period and now everyone knows it.*
I mean, it was a good time. I'd do it again. If I had two gall bladders.
PS - we just got Jacob's bill in the mail from his hospital stays. Holy. Crap. Fun fact: An appendectomy, with NOTHING ELSE (no anesthesia, no recovery room, no hospital stay, no food, no pain medicine afterward, etc.) is $14,000. Yeah. And he was only in there for like, an hour and half. Thank goodness for health insurance. Is it too late for me to go to school to be a surgeon?
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