Monday, March 12, 2012

I had my gall bladder taken out



I mean, he knew about it, but jeez...I might deserve a medal.  He even offered to stay and I was all "no honey, I can do it". 

They put me on a 10-pound lifting limit, so my 23-pound Gracie spent the week in her crib.  I took her food and milk.  And books.  She loves books.  JUST KIDDING!  My mom and sister came over to help, so my child and I were both cared for.  I took the week off work.  The whole week.  In the end, I'm glad I did.  I originally was going to take off Tuesday and Wednesday and possibly/probably Thursday.  Jacob came back Friday and on the phone Thursday night he was like a puppy dog begging "pleeeeeeease take off tomorrow night!" and since I am a total pushover I did (truth be told, I didn't feel 100% on Thursday anyway).  Then, I didn't see the point in going back for ONE STINKING DAY so I took off Saturday too. 

Here is what I learned from my surgery:  don't wear contacts or a tampon to surgery. I wasn't allowed to wear my contacts, which they didn't tell me beforehand.  So I was totally prepared for that.  Riiiight.  I ended up putting my contacts in a urine specimen cup.  No lie.  I was also told that I was required to take a pregnancy test, and I was all "oh, I'm not pregnant.  I'm on my period." after which nurse A said "we're still required to do the test," and nurse B said "you're not wearing a tampon are you?" after which I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO.  But I have this horrible moral conscience and I am flipping honest so I said yes.  Then she broke the news to me: "You'll have to take it out." what do I do, do you guys supply me with underwear or do I wear my underwear or what?  Nurse C: "No.  You just stick a pad between your legs."  I'm telling you, these nurses know how to throw a party.  I'm sure they're a lot of fun on the weekends.  The only bright side to that is that I was completely sedated for the surgery.  I have zero memory of anyone looking down there and seeing a pad just hanging out sans underwear AND I also have no idea who all knows I was on my period and who doesn't.  Other than nurse A, B, and C, that is. 

My anesthesiologist (anytime I need to type that in the future I'm going to put ASO so I don't have to type a word that long again, ok?) was the same guy who did my epidural.  He walked up and since I was completely blind because I HAD TO PUT MY CONTACTS IN A URINE SPECIMEN CUP I said, "Who's that?"  And nurse A said "Bob, your ASO."  (She did not say ASO, she actually said the word that I am using the abbreviation "ASO" for.  Just to be clear.)  And here's how it played out:
Me:  BOB!  You gave me my epidural. 
Bob:  Oh?  That's nice... (totally doesn't care)
Me:  AND THEN you brought me peanut butter chocolate cookies in the hospital the next day. 
Bob:  Oh I did?  Huh... (slightly interested)
Me:  Because I had my baby on Christmas Eve.  You brought us cookies on Christmas Day. 
Bob:  Hmm...I wonder what I was doing around then... (interest is piqued)
Me:  You were trying to get out of going to church. 
Everyone:  *pointing and laughing at Bob because he just got called out by a blind girl with a bum gall bladder who is on her period and now everyone knows it.*

I mean, it was a good time.  I'd do it again.  If I had two gall bladders. 

PS - we just got Jacob's bill in the mail from his hospital stays.  Holy. Crap.  Fun fact:  An appendectomy, with NOTHING ELSE (no anesthesia, no recovery room, no hospital stay, no food, no pain medicine afterward, etc.) is $14,000.  Yeah.  And he was only in there for like, an hour and half.  Thank goodness for health insurance.  Is it too late for me to go to school to be a surgeon? 

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